Descending with Grace

Many things in my practice of yoga defy all logic. Take, for example, Urdhva Dhanurasana. Upward facing bow. I can UD all day long from the ground up. I can even do it with one leg up in the air. But doing it from standing and bending backward into it, that's a whole other ball of wax. There's a spot when I'm about a 10 inches from touching down that I full on panic. The first few times I tried this it was somewhat amusing, and to be honest the adrenaline rush gave me a nice little buzz. But I've been practicing this move for over a year and the fun buzz has long worn off. In fact it really frustrates me and from time to time, it really pisses me off. It is just not logical at all. I think I know this pose. I know how it should all turn out. But my experience in working with this pose tells me quite the opposite. There are 10 inches of mystery from my fingertips to the floor. I don't want to experience any of it. I just want to land in the pose. It all sounds and feels less like yoga and more like yet another manifestation of an attachment disorder.

I'm super hard on myself for thinking this way. I know that yoga is not about the pose. Heck I teach that yoga is not about the pose. But when it comes to backbending all the way down, I'm a poser wannabe to the max. That's probably one reason that I struggle with this move so much.  Its incredibly uncomfortable to be aware that I'm doing that and I question my mental health sometimes because its really hard to stop. There's a very illogical piece of me that thinks that accomplishing this pose will magically fix my life. Is that whacked or what? I was pondering this brainblock this morning and in comes a clue in the form of an email from my buddy Neal.

He is an amazing guy, my friend Neal.  For fun, he climbs mountains. Big ones. He recently returned from a trip to Denali. It was his second attempt to summit and he's been preparing for four plus years. He's in top physical condition and has all the smarts and skills to do it. Above all, he's got the the spiritual maturity in his attitude of 'it will happen if its meant to happen'. As much as he wants to summit he's really not attached to it. And, as it turns out, on this last trip he developed a cough in base camp and decided to turn back before the climb intensified. Naturally he is a little disappointed and frustrated, but as he wrote in his email, "I know I made the right choice and  at least I've come back with some good stories to share". My dear friend Neal has never stepped foot onto a yoga mat, but is one of the most beautiful yogis I know.

I now have nicknamed backward bending into Urdhva Dhanurasana my Denali pose. I open my heart wide into the journey of a back bend and as I stretch my fingers towards the earth I breathe into descending with grace. I haven't yet landed in the pose; those 10 inches might as well be as big as Mt. Denali,  but I have learned to enjoy the journey again. Thanks Neal!