Spinal Tap

Chair pose, Utkatasana, is difficult for me. Its hard for me to keep my weight in my heels, my tailbone scooped down, my arms raised, shoulders back and down, and most annoying to me, my head lifted. In my annoyance the other day in class I began to realize what was really lurking below the surface. It feels like I'm hanging my head and hiding. Why is it so difficult to hold my head high?, I thought to myself. Physically I understand that part of it is that its just the way I'm put together. I've been diagnosed several years ago with the slight onset of osteoperosis and my upper spine seems to be taking some of the brunt of that. Damn, I thought, I've inherited my mother's spine. Both she and my grandmother have a curve in their back in the exact same manner as I do. And then it hit me like a tons of bricks. Damn, I've inherited my mother's spine alright, and I'm not talking about just a little curvature of the vertebrae.

As a child I adored my Grandmother. Back in the day she was called 'eccentric' but with a little distance and maturity now I realize she was pretty much plain ol' crazy. I laughed more with her than my whole childhood put together. And therefore it took me by great surprise at the end of her life, she turn rather bitter and cold. My brother and I were visiting her on her deathbed and she asked each of us how we were and what we were doing. My brother had just started his career as an actor and she commented, 'you know, I was always meant for the stage. I always wanted to be a famous actress. I can act, sing and play the piano'. I was just a teenager then but could totally envision my beloved GaGa as a famous actress. She had such charisma and pizazz. 'Why didn't you do it?', I asked innocently enough. It was the first time I'd ever seen anything ugly in her face. It was a weird mix of anger and regret as she snapped back at me 'Don't you know anything child? Proper girls don't do that type of thing'. She died the next day.

I've tucked that bewildering memory into my body, and strange as it may seem it came flooding back to me in Utakatasana pose that day. I'd never talked to my own mother about this converation with grandmother, and in fact have never had a conversation with my own Mother about following the heart, or having desires and dreams that were remotely out of the feminine box. Never once. Although I admit she did give me a little break and spared me from the Dallas debutante scene and only gave me a little grief for not pledging Phi Psi at the U of Texas. I've clearly broken the pattern of women in my family of college, sorority, marriage, kids, grandkids and death. My grandmother couldn't do it, and my Mother won't even talk about it. 

So here in Utkatasana, a.k.a. Chair or Awkward pose, I was thinking, Damn straight this is awkward. Its hard to get my head and my heart to align. I can't get my head and heart to align because I have my grandmother's spine. And then I heard a voice question that. Or or do I? I lifted my chin just a bit and when I did, I felt a huge rush of space open from my head, down my neck, and into my heart. Tears flowed out of my eyes with the realization that I am a woman with a choice, and I choose to follow my heart even though it is terrifying sometimes. I don't have to be spineless and scared and hide from life. With that I fell in love with awkward pose. And while I was at it fell a little more in love with myself.