Upside Down? Cake.

The first time I ever tried handstand was a disaster. I almost broke my neck. Like most first timers I tried it against the wall. I could not kick up in the least and instead of asking for help or supervision, I left it to my own devices.  So I took a running leap at it and crashed into the wall, my legs flew up and then went sliding down the wall because my arms didn't support me. Usually when a train wreck like this happens in a yoga class there is a 'hey, are you OK?'. But this was such a bizarre crash that there was only dead silence in the class of 30 or so as I lay crumpled up in a heap on the floor. What seemed like a very long silence was finally broken by a girl practicing next to me who simply murmured a slow, deep, low guttural Woooooooww.  I wanted to die of embarrassment then and there and maybe would have save my state of shock. When the instructor made his way over to my mat, he knelt down and rather matter of factly asked, 'what happened to you?' It was actually more of a statement than a question.

It is not as cold of a response as it seems on my teacher's part. He knew my practice really well, he knew I was technically capable of the pose, and he had taught and demo-ed the pose clearly. What was puzzling was that something went way wrong between the demo and the doing. And it is pretty evident that there was a massive disconnect in my body-mind. As I recall I was terrified of going upside down. And I remember thinking, 'I don't like fear, I refuse to feel fear, it is not cool to be scared, and don't be such a weenie. Just get those legs over your head'. I was impatient and defiant and totally letting my ego drive the posture. It wasn't the first time, or the last for that matter, that ego driven behavior totally kicked my ass.

That was six years and a thousand handstands against the wall ago. And even though I've gotten somewhat proficient at the pose against the wall, every time I set up to do it, a little shiver of fear and self doubt runs through my body. So I have a trick that works every time. It might sound hocus pocus, but here it is. I pray. Right there in the middle of practice in yoga class. Its just a simple silent little leap in faith that goes something like "God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and do with me as Thou will.' And with a few deep breaths that follow I totally put my trust and faith in God that spirit will take care of whatever happens. Then I let my body fly. There are times, of course, when an elegant handstand just isn't in the cards. But that is not the point. It feels really good, in fact it is super fun, to completely let my mind be free of expectation and with the best of my ability kick up into the unknown and just let what happens happen.

Interestingly enough, along the practice over the years, my handstands are getting more graceful. I've never totally collapsed and crashed like I did the first time, and sometimes if I'm really in the zone I kick up to handstand and don't even have to use the wall at all. Maybe I'm just getting better at the pose, but I think that maybe I'm getting better at having faith in prayer. At any rate, I always appreciate when handstand is offered in yoga class, so that when my life gets turned upside down out in the world, I've got that much more practice in moving through fear with grace.