Sweet Dreams

My bedroom growing up would make Martha Stewart proud. It was painted a tasteful shade of pink, with delicate matching curtains, a hand painted antique toy chest, and a miniature white table and chair set for tea parties. The over- the- top little girl feature was a iron canopy bed, complete with about 5000 miles of white lace ruffles and huge overstuffed pillows. The words precious and darlin' come to mind when I reflect on that room. It was sweet and All Girl.

As a youngster, most nights I would get tucked into the canopy bed with my favorite doll and read a good night story by either Mom or Dad. It was one of my favorite times of day because it was one of the only times I had the full attention of a parent and the stories they read were magical. My favorites were 'Winnie the Pooh', 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe', 'The Hobbit', 'Cinderella', 'Snow White', and 'Ann Likes Red'. So I grew up with a healthy dose of adventure, magical lands, and fairy tales and since my parents taught them to me, I was sure they contained elements of Truth. I have been a big believer in 'happily ever after' all my life.

One of the aspects  that I treasure most about the practice of yoga is that it helps me cultivate the capacity to get up close and personal with Reality. It is especially helpful for me to get clear when I move really slowly, deliberately, and take it all in literally moment by moment and breath by breath. Not in the past, not in the future, but right now. I have no idea what I look like when I practice the postures, for, thank goodness, there are no mirrors at Lulu's, so I'm learning to know and experience myself literally from the inside out and am continually fascinated with the reality I'm finding there. Fleeting from my internal vocabulary are the 'should's' and 'shouldn'ts' and more and more are the ah-ha's and hummmm's. I'm constantly bumping into self imposed fairy tales of what it all should look like, and occasionally cursing whoever wrote the nonsense about 'happily ever after'.

It doesn't get much more modern fairy tale like than a beautiful wedding in the charming Mexican village of Sayulita, and it doesn't get much more up close and personal with reality than spending 4 days with every single member of your immediate family. My little brother got married last weekend and for the first time in almost two decades my whole family gathered together. There is no scripting, no writing, or 'storybookness' to the real world characters in my story.

A funny thing has happened on the way to that wedding. When my fairytale life, my very own 'happily ever after' exploded in a thousand pieces a few years ago, I felt like I'd never be happy again. And through all my pain and torment, doubt and anguish, all my suffering and fears, something remarkable that can only be described as a move toward healing has taken place. Along this path of yoga I've found profound and significant moments of meaning, opportunities for love, and a deep and gracious calm that comes when I allow myself to slow down, breath deep and relax into reality.

Its been a long time since I've felt like I've belonged. Even in my own family. But at the wedding event, the second I laid eyes and hugged each flesh and blood member I realized, I knew in the deepest sense of knowing, how untrue that belief was. The light that revealed itself from the shedding of that crippling burden radically alters my consciousness. In the face of that kind of reality, it was all so easy and so clear of what was to follow. I totally fell back in love with my family. Without exception, without reservation. Every single member. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life.

I'm happy for my little brother. He married a really lovely woman and he was beaming with joy the entire four days. It was very cool. And it may have been my baby brother who got married on December 6, but it was me too who hit the jackpot of love.