Mat Moves

The first yoga style of practice that caught my attention was Bikram. I loved the practice! I bet I've done the 26 posture class a few thousand times. I have to admit that one of the reasons I liked it so well was that I was able to 'lock my knee', a controversial but ubiquitous instruction in the series, and therefore could get into some of the advanced stretches of the poses. My practice and life at the time was much more about how I looked than how I felt. My whole behavior was steeped in overriding signals coming from the inside out. I did a heck of a lot of damage to myself in those days, and I'm not just taking about my jamming my leg straight to the point of bone on bone grinding compression. But its a useful metaphor. I think you get the point.

You see, I have a slight hyperextension in both my knees, so slight it often gets undetected from a teacher's eye so I never get called out on it. But it is comfortable and gives me a wicked forward fold and hamstring stretch so I keep doing it in spite of the fact that I know good and well it is not healthy for me.  Frankly I've put it on the back burner of things to work on and sort of forgot about my cheatin' little hyperextension. But I got busted by Patricia Sullivan in her workshop a few months ago and its been on my mind every practice since. This time around I'm ready to deal with it. Ahimsa, the practice of non violence as suggested in the sutras is a wonderful healing practice that has saved my ass in so many ways, including quitting cigarettes and alcohol, and is one of the lessons I'm using to help me break my addiction to my locked knee.

So in class and in my private practice I've been trying to keep a slight bend in my knee, especially in my standing poses. I've wobbled, fallen, cursed like a sailor, ignored the problem, and spaced out right there on the mat because it feels so weird to build another pattern based on taking good care of myself. It brings up rage, fear, feelings of inadequacy, faking appearances, and from time to time, although its rare, accepting and loving what is. But that's what is bringing me to the mat these days. I'm starting to string together more and more moments of acceptance with my knee bent. Its practice, practice, practice and lots of Warrior poses. Triangle, on the otherhand,  is a battleground. It wreaks havoc on my ankles, knees, hips and shreds my heart with the unkindness it brings up. I've taken to moving my practice mat in the studio to the corner of the room as not to spread my vibes as I work through this stuff.

What's interesting is that as a result my legs are getting stronger.  Not only my muscles and joints, but also my inner strength. As I'm learning to remove the block in my knee so that energy can flow authentically, I 'm actually learning to honor and embrace the Divine within. The big lesson is that by tapping into the sacred, I'm learning to feel safe on my own strong legs. Without forcing my own will, without relying on old patterns that don't serve me, and without harming myself or others along the way.   

In fact, I think I'm ready to move my mat back in again to join in closer with the class.  

Namaste.