Chataranga or Bust

In psychology class the other evening the teacher made a mistake. She wrote on the board that Pavlov's dog was an example of 'operant conditioning' instead of 'classical conditioning'. The mistake was brought to light because it was a question on  our quiz, and most students, including myself,  answered the question wrong. The teacher acknowledged her mistake with incredible grace and dignity. On top of that she gave everybody credit on the quiz for that 'wrong' answer. We all went home happy and just like that, the entire episode was behind me.

I wish I could forgive myself as easily as I forgave my psychology teacher. In Uschi's vinyasa workshop yesterday I realized that I've been doing chataranga pose wrong my whole yoga practice. It triggered a whole litany of mental flogging that lead me to the dark corner of 'who am I to be teaching this yoga stuff anyway?' 

I think there are various levels of mistakes. Like calling 'right' left is sort of embarrassing, but it no longer ruins my day. And then there was the time when I subbed Stiff White Guys that I lead the wrong seed sound chant for the heart. I caught it right in the middle on HAAAAAAAMMMMM. I immediately corrected it by saying 'you might of felt that in the throat more than the heart, because the seed sound for the heart is YAM. Let's try it again'. Oddly enough I personally thought the mistake was hilarious. It cracked me up right there in the middle of class, and I was over it by MMMM.  I hope I don't burn in yoga hell.

I also wonder if one can b-line her way to yoga hell by misquoting the yoga sutras. The teachings of the sutras touch my heart and soothe my soul. I've wanted to talk about them and bring them into class for a very long time. But I've been so afraid to do so. I think its related to my upbringing in the bible belt south, all that fire and brimstone stuff. Finally, however, the sutras have started coming out. Naturally. Except that the first time I quoted the sutra,  I left out the word 'vittri' from sutra 1.2. Ooooops. 

I come from a culture that was not very forgiving. There wasn't a lot of room for mistakes. Not only was the threat of burning in hell always looming over my head, but also the possibility of getting thrown off the social registry for such infractions as eating with the wrong fork or wearing the wrong color of shoes after Labor Day. And all points in between. I became wrapped so tight in rules that I almost died. Forgiveness saved my life. I therefore really pay attention when it shows up. Particularly when the lesson is more difficult than doing chataranga pose correctly. 

I stick close to the practice of yoga because it softens the blow of self judgement while simultaneously teaching me responsibility. My practice is more about learning from my mistakes that constantly trying to avoid them. Holding back is just no longer an option. Its chataranga or bust, when sometimes bust is the option and forgiveness is the antidote. Because I'm human. Because I'm a yogi. That's why its called the practice of yoga.