Kidney Pie

I attended a Kundalini workshop last weekend.  It is a new practice for me, and I find parts of it very interesting and powerful. I have it filed as a practice 'under investigation'. As I was cruising through the third class of the weekend, trying to stay open to the teachings, trying not to judge the teacher or the practice or myself in the process, we did an exercise that sent me completely out of my mind. It literally thought I was going to either pass out or start screaming the most un-yogic string of truck driver obscenities, and I don't even swear very often.

I have gratefully blocked the specifics of the exercise but it was something like doing a bizillion repetitions from Uttanasana to half arch in fairly rapid succession. Of course, we were operating under the general instructions of 'move at your own pace', but for me moving slow or quicker didn't make a bit of difference in this exercise, there was a strikingly sharp pain in both sides of my mid-low back. 

It was so strange; I'd never felt pain like this before. It was physical, but not, at the same time. It was definitely like an emotion was stuck there. It was scary and frustrating, severe and fascinating. I could almost hear my body talking to me with a 'yes, you've located me'. "I'm in here deep, and NOW is the time you're ready to unlock this further". So I kept moving. After what seemed like 40 days in the desert we were instructed to cease. I wanted so much to shout out ' HEY, was that a sonofabitch for anybody else?', but instead regained my composure and OM'ed onward.

When I got home that night I pulled out my anatomy books and located the source of this very specific mischief. Kidneys. And what's the negative energy stored there? Fear. 

I do NOT want to deal with this any further. 

The best I could do is to be aware of my kidneys, and the best place for me to start awareness is on the mat. I never noticed before but I hold my kidneys in most of my poses. Perhaps that is one reason that I love the instruction in tadasana to scoop the tailbone down towards the heels; it relieves my kidneys. It is only recently that I've been able to roll on to that part of my back when rolling down from plow, and I've noticed it is the exact spot where I freak out in dropping back into Urdha Dhanuransana from standing. I've been breathing into my kidneys in all the classes in all my poses for the past week. Not that any miraculous healing has taken place, mind you, but I think I've made contact with my kidneys for the first time in my life, and that is terrifically exciting for me. 

Through this new relationship with my kidneys, its interesting for me to recall we have history. Lots has come up. As a young child I had several kidney infections. I was too young to even know what that really meant but it worried my mother with each diagnosis and I had to go see the doctor so I knew it wasn't a good thing. I was adjusted in a yoga class the other day by a teacher I don't know, right on the kidneys and I started sweating immediately. At a dinner party the other night, a very talented songwriter who somewhat intimidates me asked me about my own writing, and I shrunk right into my kidneys when he posed his question. I had to take a deep breath and straighten right back up to even answer him.  I recall being very young and my father swatting me on the low back when I'd get in trouble or do something wrong. I think he was too bible belt Puritanical on some level to swat me on the behind. 

Yeah, I have some stuff going on with my kidneys. Maybe I am holding on to some unnecessary fear. Not only in my body, but rather, in my mind. Especially in my mind, actually. The teachings of the yoga sutras point to that. God knows, among other things, I  am a recovering scaired-i-cat.  Fear is one of my biggest teachers and 99.9% of the time it is a result of lies I'm telling myself.

Its been a little scary to open my kidneys and breathe, and to not jump at one's mere touch in at the edge of my ribs. But on the mat, it is safe and my yoga practice is teaching me, slowly but surely, that I can do it out in the world as well.